Today started off really weird. I felt like I was hurrying up to wait with everything and I still feel that way. I really have no interest in going to my class, but I feel like after the paper I wrote for it there is no way I am going to do well in this class. I wish that there were progress reports like in high school, you never know how you’re doing in college until you get your final grade and it’s a D. Horrible.

Meeting with my councilor today was interesting. I don’t think I realized how much I actually isolate myself to avoid saying something that might offend someone. Even more I didn’t realize how much it meant to me to have the support from my mom. I mean I know that it meant something to me, because of how hard it was to tell her, but I don’t think I understood why. He helped me understand that, just by listening to me. I don’t know how they do that. Just sit and listen to people’s problems all day, watch them cry. He was helpful though, and I am grateful that he would say things like “that sounds painful” or “that sounds like it was a lot to handle”. I know they’re supposed to say things like that and empathize with their patient but there is a reason for that and it’s because it makes me say “you’re right it is painful. or it was a lot to handle”. Sometimes it takes someone empathizing and saying they know how you feel to feel better.

I think I need to get rid of the toxic things in my life. Iowa City just seems so toxic to me, it was like the second that I got into town again there was a plague on me. I just need out of here. I just worry that when I’m gone during winter break that I won’t be able to stop thinking about what’s back in Iowa City. That bothers me a lot but I hope the break will help me figure myself and everything else out.

One can only hope.

My night has been great. Something about being at work makes me feel so much better. I feel like it’s because I’m around people that don’t know what’s going on with me and people that I am still getting to know. For some reason it isn’t hard for me to want to talk to them or want to be around people when it comes to being there. Maybe this is some sort of progress.