I have been feeling like someone cut a hole out of me and now I am forced to live a different life. That’s dramatic but it’s the only way I can describe it. I haven’t been myself for quite some time now and I’m not exactly sure why. It seems like my life has been flipped upside down and I can’t do anything to fix it. The sorority has become foreign to me, I am starting to actually want a love life, most of my closest friends are no longer in the same city as me and the real world seems to be getting more real everyday. Perhaps the most intense thing about all of this though is the pressure that I put on myself to be perfect in each of those aspects. Ironically my pressure makes me far from perfect.

I often wonder though if it’s worth it. All the pressure I put on myself. The obvious answer is no. And logically that makes sense to me. However emotionally I can’t stop. I can recognize that I’m doing it and I can say “you need to stop” but I continue to put pressure on myself. It’s ruining me. It’s ruining my relationships with people. I’ve found that I don’t know how to talk to people anymore. I’m a people person, I can talk to a brick wall but ever since I’ve been displaced in my own life I can’t talk to people. I come off rude and bitchy and it’s because I honestly have no interest in talking to people anymore. I just want to be alone. My motivation is shot, my appetite is gone. I don’t know how to fix me and it is leaving me feeling hopeless and like I might never be myself again.

Perhaps meeting with the councilor will help. It was helpful to have the psychologist talk to me. He tried to make me realize that I judge myself too harshly, that’s something I already knew though. What he showed me was the fact that no one else is going to care or judge me for the things that I judge myself so harshly on. That was helpful. But one meeting doesn’t make me myself again, so hopefully weekly meetings will eventually get me back on track. Because no way can I start a life in LA feeling like shit all the time.

Coming home helped. It was like all I needed was to be around my mom for me to feel comfortable again. I actually got hungry, felt good. Now here I am alone. Maybe that’s what it is. I feel alone. That’s the thing that hurts the most for me right now. I feel like I am and will always be all alone. I have never done anything conventionally but I am starting to want those conventions and I have no clue how to go about doing it. So I end up doing things that I regret, saying things that are unwarranted that I think make sense because I work things out in my head all the time, but I never talk to people about it so I blow up at them, I say things that don’t make sense because I am too ahead of myself in my head. I need to learn to express my feelings and stop worrying about looking vulnerable. Maybe someday.