The day started out really well. I woke up feeling good and I spent the day with my family and friends. As the night went on I was becoming more and more anxious and it really hit its stride when I was out and my friend texted me about stuff. It made me so anxious and angry and there were so many emotions going through me. It ended up making me have a horrible time and I hate that. I hate that I let little things ruin my night. I was having a good time and everything and that one text can make me feel like shit? It’s so lame.

I was getting so worked up about it but then another one set it all back in order. That annoys me too. It felt good to have that but I hate how upset I would’ve been without it. That’s what sucks so badly about this whole thing. I just need to get out everything I feel and it will be ten times better. Someday.

Before Noon: I woke up today feeling exhausted, this is because of the fact that I was up till 4am writing a paper. It was somehow comforting to know that the procrastination part of me hasn’t changed although it did make my night a bit stressful. However I woke up in a good mood, I am excited to go home for the most part. There is of course this feeling in the pit of my stomach that wants me to stay. But I’ve never been the type of girl to ditch my family and friends for someone I hardly know so I am going to stick with that. It is making me extremely anxious though because of how much I want to stay. I just don’t know if it would be worth it.

I can imagine myself staying then waking up in the morning and feeling great only to start second guessing what anything means and eventually just hate how I feel later in the day. This way I just get really anxious tonight, but I’m with my family. Then I don’t have to worry about feeling stupid or anything of that nature. My biggest concern is that I’m not enough, or the thought of me isn’t enough rather. I don’t stray because I have feelings but how can I be sure that he feels the same way. He could take someone else home tonight because I’m not there. That’s what makes me the most anxious and that is what will be bothering me tonight and making me wish that I had stayed here.

But I can’t shape my life around someone else, that isn’t healthy. Other than the feeling of anxiousness I feel perfectly fine. I just need to get some sleep and I think that tonight will be a very needed escape.

Today started off really weird. I felt like I was hurrying up to wait with everything and I still feel that way. I really have no interest in going to my class, but I feel like after the paper I wrote for it there is no way I am going to do well in this class. I wish that there were progress reports like in high school, you never know how you’re doing in college until you get your final grade and it’s a D. Horrible.

Meeting with my councilor today was interesting. I don’t think I realized how much I actually isolate myself to avoid saying something that might offend someone. Even more I didn’t realize how much it meant to me to have the support from my mom. I mean I know that it meant something to me, because of how hard it was to tell her, but I don’t think I understood why. He helped me understand that, just by listening to me. I don’t know how they do that. Just sit and listen to people’s problems all day, watch them cry. He was helpful though, and I am grateful that he would say things like “that sounds painful” or “that sounds like it was a lot to handle”. I know they’re supposed to say things like that and empathize with their patient but there is a reason for that and it’s because it makes me say “you’re right it is painful. or it was a lot to handle”. Sometimes it takes someone empathizing and saying they know how you feel to feel better.

I think I need to get rid of the toxic things in my life. Iowa City just seems so toxic to me, it was like the second that I got into town again there was a plague on me. I just need out of here. I just worry that when I’m gone during winter break that I won’t be able to stop thinking about what’s back in Iowa City. That bothers me a lot but I hope the break will help me figure myself and everything else out.

One can only hope.

My night has been great. Something about being at work makes me feel so much better. I feel like it’s because I’m around people that don’t know what’s going on with me and people that I am still getting to know. For some reason it isn’t hard for me to want to talk to them or want to be around people when it comes to being there. Maybe this is some sort of progress.

I slept through my alarm for class today, which made me so angry at myself. I suppose the tylonol PM that I took was taken too late, but whatever. I felt good this morning though because I realized that he isn’t mad at me or annoyed rather because he still wants to talk to me. That eases my anxiety about what happened on Saturday. I ended up getting a lot done around the house which made me feel great. I think the clutter was starting to freak me out and make me anxious so cleaning it up and doing laundry was really helpful. Then came the scare, but that is behind me. I felt like I couldn’t breath and I was irritated and it was horrible. But everything was fine after it was no longer a threat.

My nap was nice but I hate that I skipped class. All I have to do is go and sit and listen to people sing and I couldn’t do that? Seriously? It made me feel so anxious to miss it because I know it was stupid to do so, but it would’ve just worn me out. I hate that class I hate the teacher, he creeps me out and he is one of the biggest douche bags I’ve ever met. I can’t wait for the semester to be over with that class. Which is so sad because it is a class that I have loved for the past two years. I actually think I’ve missed more seminars for his class than I have in the past two years. Same with the lessons.

Then I spent the rest of the night at the library and it was nice. I normally feel so alone when I am in fact alone but being by myself in my own head was nice because I actually felt like I got something done and that made me feel less anxious about this assignment. I should’ve started a lot earlier than I did but I started much earlier than I normally do so I am still feeling okay about it. Tomorrow night will be a longer day but that’s okay.

Overall it was a very productive day filled with a lot of different emotions but I felt on track most of the day which isn’t normally how I feel so it was nice to feel a little more stable.

I feel better today. I also feel really anxious about the classes that I’ve been missing and now the fact that one I need to graduate, I might not be able to take. That actually might be the thing that is making me the most anxious. I have absolutely NO desire to be here for an extra semester, but then I think about all the work that I put into my theatre major and I wonder if it would be worth it to drop it with just one class left to take. I hate feeling like I might have to be here longer than I want. The only thing that would make it okay is the fact that I have friends that would be around. However, I don’t want to put off California longer than I have to.

I guess I just always thought that my theater major would be the easy one. I put way more work into it than I put into my cinema major after all. Then again I did a lot of acting classes. I wish that would’ve been enough, I feel like that was the most valuable for me though, but liberal arts degrees are all about making you get education you don’t actually need. Once I get the special permissions (hopefully) I will feel better. Other than that, I’ve had an alright day. I do want to go back home though.

I’m still feeling down today. I can’t stop thinking about my actions this weekend. I need to reevaluate how I act towards the people around me when I’m drinking and even more so I need to not drink as much. I blacked out and have no clue what I said or why I was saying it. Looking at my text conversation was devastating because it wasn’t me at all. I said things that I know I shouldn’t have said and I was annoying to even myself. My biggest issue is that I don’t know how to make it better. Or if I can for that matter. I want this to just be over but I don’t even know how to do that. Perhaps that’s the biggest issue I don’t know how to handle this stupidity of mine.

On top of that I have school work piling up and I’m not sure how to handle that either, but I’m hoping that as I continue seeing a councilor they will help me realize the things that I might be missing. I need someone to guide me in the right direction at this point because I’m so not myself that I don’t know how to be right now. Maybe we’ll get somewhere and make me feel a lot better. I don’t want to set up too many expectations though. That’s where my downfall is most times. I have way too many expectations and it gets me too ahead of myself. My only hope is that I can get some perspective and move on from there.

I found that being around an old friend was very helpful in making me feel okay. Which leads me to think even more that it is the fact that my entire life has been turned upside down by change that is making me feel so lost. Makes sense.

I have been feeling like someone cut a hole out of me and now I am forced to live a different life. That’s dramatic but it’s the only way I can describe it. I haven’t been myself for quite some time now and I’m not exactly sure why. It seems like my life has been flipped upside down and I can’t do anything to fix it. The sorority has become foreign to me, I am starting to actually want a love life, most of my closest friends are no longer in the same city as me and the real world seems to be getting more real everyday. Perhaps the most intense thing about all of this though is the pressure that I put on myself to be perfect in each of those aspects. Ironically my pressure makes me far from perfect.

I often wonder though if it’s worth it. All the pressure I put on myself. The obvious answer is no. And logically that makes sense to me. However emotionally I can’t stop. I can recognize that I’m doing it and I can say “you need to stop” but I continue to put pressure on myself. It’s ruining me. It’s ruining my relationships with people. I’ve found that I don’t know how to talk to people anymore. I’m a people person, I can talk to a brick wall but ever since I’ve been displaced in my own life I can’t talk to people. I come off rude and bitchy and it’s because I honestly have no interest in talking to people anymore. I just want to be alone. My motivation is shot, my appetite is gone. I don’t know how to fix me and it is leaving me feeling hopeless and like I might never be myself again.

Perhaps meeting with the councilor will help. It was helpful to have the psychologist talk to me. He tried to make me realize that I judge myself too harshly, that’s something I already knew though. What he showed me was the fact that no one else is going to care or judge me for the things that I judge myself so harshly on. That was helpful. But one meeting doesn’t make me myself again, so hopefully weekly meetings will eventually get me back on track. Because no way can I start a life in LA feeling like shit all the time.

Coming home helped. It was like all I needed was to be around my mom for me to feel comfortable again. I actually got hungry, felt good. Now here I am alone. Maybe that’s what it is. I feel alone. That’s the thing that hurts the most for me right now. I feel like I am and will always be all alone. I have never done anything conventionally but I am starting to want those conventions and I have no clue how to go about doing it. So I end up doing things that I regret, saying things that are unwarranted that I think make sense because I work things out in my head all the time, but I never talk to people about it so I blow up at them, I say things that don’t make sense because I am too ahead of myself in my head. I need to learn to express my feelings and stop worrying about looking vulnerable. Maybe someday.